


notte stellata

by hyuckheis (johnyongs)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unreliable Narrator, Yukhei is the boyfriend donghyuck needs, he's accidentally an asshole who is bad at feelings, sorry mark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 18:04:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13506906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnyongs/pseuds/hyuckheis
Summary: the world is moving too fast, and donghyuck feels like he's falling apart. yukhei accidentally picks up the pieces(dramatization: do not try this at home)





	notte stellata

**Author's Note:**

> /puts on tin foil hat/ DONGHYUCK AND YUKHEI WOULD BE THE SOFTEST FUNNIEST FRIENDS  
> thank u to reem, lisa, and e for letting me be on my bullshit about this god tier pairing, n for giving me inspo for this fic /blows kisses/ thank u for not thinking im crazy ily ily ily

It’s hard to remember a time when things didn’t hurt.

 

Donghyuck considers himself to be a positive, bright person, but these days, he feels dim. The exhaustion echoes in the marrow of his bones, and the sadness has made a permanent home in his chest.

 

“Donghyuck, you’re not in your spot,” Mark says, and his eyes are sharp and cold through the reflection of the mirror. Donghyuck blinks, adjusting himself. Normally he’d say something sassy, make a joke about Mark being bossy or something, but right now, all he does is hang his head and mumble an apology.

 

They run through the choreography again. “Donghyuck, you need to focus.” Mark’s face, normally soft and bright, is completely blank, if tinged with some frustration. They’ve been fighting a lot recently, but clearly it’s affecting Donghyuck more than Mark.

 

Another reason why Donghyuck will never be as good as him.

 

“Sorry, hyung.” Donghyuck doesn’t meet Mark’s gaze.

 

“The world doesn’t revolve around you, I swear to god.” Mark’s voice is hushed as he turns away, and Donghyuck isn’t even sure if he was supposed to hear that, but he does, and it makes something in his gut twist.

 

“Hey guys?” Everyone turns to see Kun popping his head through the door.

 

“Ge!” Chenle screeches, running for him. Kun laughs, bracing himself for the impact of Chenle’s weight.

 

“We were taking a break and thought you could use one too,” Kun explains, holding onto Chenle as he hangs off him. Jungwoo and Yukhei appear behind Kun and wave.

 

“Oh, yeah. That’s a good idea,” Mark says, because he’s the leader and he gets to decide when they stop. “Fifteen minutes, guys.”

 

Renjun runs over to Kun, and the three start chatting amicably in a corner. Mark walks over to Jungwoo and Yukhei, and they become engrossed in conversation quickly. Jeno is helping Jisung with the bridge part of We Young, which leaves Donghyuck to his own devices.

 

Maybe it’s the exhaustion, the constant throbs of pain and anxiety in his chest, but suddenly, he feels like he could shatter into a million pieces. This is not the first time he’s felt this isolated, and it probably won’t be the last, but it hurts every time.

 

He takes a shaky breath, holding back the stupid _stupid_ tears, and walks over to the water dispenser. He’s not even thirsty, but it gives him something to do and a reason not to face anyone while he pulls himself back together.

 

But there’s only so much water Donghyuck can drink before he starts regretting it, so he slides his back along the wall and sits down, partially hidden by the dispenser, and tries to think of happy things and not the fact that he’s pathetic and has no one to talk to and he’s being really dumb and oversensitive to everything right now--

 

“Hey!”

 

Donghyuck startles, accidentally crushing the disposable paper cup in his hand, and looks up to find Yukhei looming over him.

 

“Uh… hi?”

 

Yukhei just beams at him with his straight white teeth, clearly unphased by Donghyuck’s lukewarm greeting. “Can I sit here?”

 

Donghyuck looks down at the spot in front of him where Yukhei is pointing, as if it physically offends him. He doesn’t know much about Yukhei (other than that he’s really really hot and has nice abs, allegedly), and he’s probably the last person who Donghyuck would like to bare witness to his imminent nervous breakdown, but whatever.

 

“It’s a free country,” he says, shrugging.

 

“Sweet,” Yukhei says, plopping down with more grace than his long limbs should allow for, and beams at Donghyuck. “You seem tired.”

 

“You could just say I look ugly and go.” Donghyuck doesn’t know how he has enough energy to joke around, but here he is.

 

Yukhei smirks. “Dude, that’s like. Not even physically possible.”

 

Donghyuck blinks at him, mentally trying to compute the implication behind that statement. “Uh. Thanks? I guess.”

 

“I’m just telling it like it is.”

 

Donghyuck looks at him warily. “You need money or something?”

 

At that, Yukhei bursts out laughing. It’s ridiculously high and reedy and _dumb,_ and it makes everyone in the practice room look in their direction. Donghyuck shrinks a little into himself when he physically feels the force of Mark’s glare.

 

“You just looked kinda lonely,” Yukhei says, propping his chin up on his palm. “Wanted to come say hi.”

 

“Consider the fact that maybe I _wanted_ to be alone?” Donghyuck’s entire body feels tense, like he’s fighting an invisible battle with himself. Truthfully, Donghyuck hates being alone, but the thought of being around everyone else terrifies him. _Why is Yukhei here?_

 

“Well sorry, I’m here now.” Yukhei doesn’t look very sorry at all, by the way he’s grinning at him, all big and smug, and Donghyuck kinda wants to punch him. They stare at each other in silence, making Donghyuck even more anxious, because what the _hell_ does Yukhei think he’s doing?

 

“What were you guys practicing?” Donghyuck asks, because he can’t stand the silence between them. He tears at his crushed paper cup, not wanting to look up at Yukhei.

 

“Jungwoo hyung wanted to learn Rum Pum Pum,” Yukhei says. That makes Donghyuck snort, looking up at Yukhei.

 

“That’s my favorite f(x) song from the album,” Donghyuck admits.

 

Yukhei scoffs. “How can you say that when Shadow exists?”

 

“Okay, you’re right.” Donghyuck sighs, biting back a smile. “I take it back. Shadow’s the best track on the album.”

 

“I’m glad you saw the light,” Yukhei says, sniffing as he leans back on his arms. “By the way, I like your hair.”

 

Donghyuck looks at him blankly. “My hair?” He pats it self-consciously. “You mean the hair that’s currently covered by my hat?”

 

“No, I mean--” Maybe Donghyuck is imagining it, but Yukhei’s ears look a little red. The thought of Yukhei Wong being flustered by anything seems like a ridiculous concept. “I saw you, in the cafeteria yesterday.” Yukhei winces. “I mean. I wasn’t like. Being a creeper or anything. I mean I _was_ staring at you, but not in like a weird way, I just--”

 

Yukhei sighs, smiling bashfully. Donghyuck isn’t entirely sure what’s happening right now. “The color really suits you.”

 

“Any hair color suits me, hyung,” Donghyuck says on instinct, because that’s what he would say if he wasn’t on the verge of a nervous breakdown, compounded by the sudden revelation that Yukhei Wong had been… staring at him?

 

Yukhei grins, and it’s lopsided and warm. One of the many knots in Donghyuck’s chest loosens a little. “I mean, that’s true. But red is definitely your color.”

 

“It’s my favorite color,” Donghyuck says quietly, feeling strangely subdued. He’s not sure what to do or say, because Yukhei’s looking at him with his ridiculously big, earnest eyes. The tension he’s been carrying around all day is a little bit lighter, and he doesn’t feel like he’s going to fall apart at any moment.

 

“Mine’s black,” Yukhei offers.

 

Donghyuck’s lips curl up into a teasing smile. “I’ll jot that down.”

 

“Dear Diary--” Yukhei says loudly, making Donghyuck slap a hand over his mouth. Before before he can continue, Kun calls Yukhei’s name. Donghyuck’s mood drops, feeling oddly disappointed. Yukhei’s face twists into one of exaggerated pain, and it makes Donghyuck giggle despite himself.

 

“I gotta go,” Yukhei says, despite that being obvious. He hops to his feet with an energy that’s always buzzing around him. “I know you’re gonna kill it this comeback. Take it easy, okay?”

 

“Uh, yeah. Thanks hyung.”

 

He flashes Donghyuck with another one of those disarming smiles. “I’ll see you around, Donghyuck.”

 

And then he’s gone, leaving Donghyuck feeling kind of lost. But when he joins the others at the center of the room to do another run-through, his steps are a little lighter, and the world doesn’t seem so big.

  


\--

  


Like most humans, Donghyuck is afraid of change. Maybe it’s one of the great ironies of his life that he debuted in a group where everything is always uncertain, nothing is ever the same, and everyone is always busy doing something else.

 

When Donghyuck was a trainee, one of the things he clung onto the most was hope. He and his friends would debut together, and it would be _so fucking awesome,_ and they would succeed from their effort and teamwork, and everything would be okay in the end.

 

What happens instead is something completely different.

 

Some members shine more brightly than others. Some get left behind and ultimately forgotten. Someone always has somewhere else they need to be, and Donghyuck can’t keep up with everything constantly changing around him.

 

The one thing that probably makes everything hurt even more is the fact that his best friend, the one who he swore he would follow to the ends of the earth, has left him behind.

 

Maybe he shouldn’t have been so obvious about his feelings. It had taken him a while to come to terms with being in love with Mark, but not nearly as long to decide he wasn’t going to do anything about it (because he just _couldn’t,_ being the number one reason). He knows he’s probably obvious, but given he never said anything out loud, he didn’t think Mark would care or even _notice._

 

Except he does notice. And suddenly decides wherever Donghyuck is, is where Mark does not want to be. It hurts. It almost hurts as much as when Mark asked to switch rooms with Doyoung because he couldn’t stand sharing the same space anymore.

 

(Objectively, Donghyuck knows switching roommates is for the best. They have personalities that clash at every given opportunity. They’re teenagers, they’re always tired, and they’re petty. In the long term, this is what’s best for their friendship. And besides, Mark has spared Donghyuck the humiliation of moving out by doing it himself. He’s lucky, in a way.)

 

Donghyuck used to trust Mark. Maybe he still does, deep down. But it’s hard to keep relying on him, when Mark is always too busy being the golden boy and avoiding dealing with their crumbling friendship.

 

It’s too easy to feel alone. Everyone in Dream is already paired up, and all the 127 hyungs have made it abundantly clear that Mark is their favorite maknae.

 

“Hey kid, what’s wrong?”

 

Well, almost all of them.

 

Donghyuck looks up at Doyoung from his phone, where he’s been watching Michael Jackson’s Black or White music video on repeat for the last hour. It’s a weird off day for him, where he doesn’t have any schedules with 127 or Dream, and he could be resting. Instead, his mind is racing a mile a minute, and as the hours pass, it becomes harder and harder to remind himself that he’s alive and present.

 

“Just thinking, I guess.”

 

Donghyuck doesn’t need to look up to feel his bed dipping under Doyoung’s weight, to smell that laundry soap smell that always clings to his clothes. In a way, he’s thankful that Mark had the foresight to switch rooms with the one hyung who actually acknowledges Donghyuck’s existence.

 

“Thinking about what?” Kim Doyoung is known for being blunt, crass, and absolutely ruthless. But in the quiet of their shared room, Doyoung is more careful, more sensitive.

 

“Do you think I should have been in 127?”

 

The silence stretches across the span of about thirty seconds, but to Donghyuck, it feels like hours. “You were put in this group for a reason.”

 

“So the group could have an odd number and the formations are easier?”

 

The joke falls flat under Doyoung’s stern gaze. Donghyuck shrugs, and the back of his neck feels tense. “I don’t really sing, and I’m not in the center. I barely talk most of the time. So what gives?” And then, he belatedly tacks on a, “Hyung.”

 

“You’re the mood-maker of the group.”

 

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. He’s probably never heard such empty words before. Maybe he was supposed to be the mood-maker. Once, people actually thought he was funny. Now he’s just annoying and exhausting to deal with.

 

“I’m serious, Hyuck-ah. Your sense is really good. I’m sorry no one is letting you show that.”

 

“Because they’re too busy kissing Mark’s ass,” Donghyuck grumbles, and immediately feels horrible. It’s not like him to be bitter. It’s a feeling that had evaded him his whole life until this year, when everything started to crumble and he started drowning slowly.

 

“I… don’t really have anything to say about that,” Doyoung says. “You know they’re not trying to make you feel bad.”

 

“But isn’t that the worst part? That they’re not doing it on purpose?” The tears burn at the back of his eyes, and he blinks rapidly. He always cried way too easily when he’s frustrated. “They’re just. That far up his ass that they don’t see anything else?”

 

“I’m sorry, Donghyuck. I really am.” And Doyoung sounds so sincere about it that Donghyuck breaks. He curls himself into Doyoung’s side, and the tears spill onto the scratchy material of Doyoung’s turtleneck.

 

“What did I do wrong?” Donghyuck wonders. “Why does nobody want me?”

 

“You know that’s not true, Hyuck-ah. That’s just not true.”

 

Donghyuck curls his fingers into Doyoung’s sweater, pressing his burning eyes more into Doyoung’s boney shoulder. It’s uncomfortable, but less so than crying out in the open. Doyoung rubs soothing circles into Donghyuck’s back. “Everyone is so busy it’s hard to take a breath and make sure everyone is alright. I’m sorry you’re feeling ignored.”

 

“You don’t have to apologize,” Donghyuck mumbles, his voice hoarse and watery. Doyoung is probably the last person who should feel sorry, when he’s the only one who makes Donghyuck feel like he has a place in the group, and some sort of purpose.

 

“I do. It’s my responsibility to make sure you’re okay. I’ve been so busy that I didn’t see you hurting so much. Hyung is sorry, Donghyuck-ah.”

 

That just makes Donghyuck cry even harder. His body shakes with the quiet sobs, and it feels like he’s shattering into pieces, though his body remains whole. He feels like there’s too much inside him to contain and he might throw up.

 

It takes a while for him to quiet down. From the other side of the door, noises of life and activity bleed through, and it reminds Donghyuck that it’s not just them inside this dorm, and that Doyoung was folding his laundry before Donghyuck threw his tantrum. He pulls away abruptly, wiping his nose on his sweater sleeve as the guilt eats at him.

 

“Sorry. I just--” His face flushes bright red with humiliation. He hates being weak, being sad, but it’s all he knows how to be these days. The more he has to fake it, the harder it becomes to stay together when the others aren’t around.

 

“Lee Donghyuck, don’t you dare apologize to me about this.” Doyoung’s eyes are serious and concerned, and he grips Donghyuck’s wrist tightly. Donghyuck nods meekly. Doyoung leans forward to grab the box of tissues on Donghyuck’s desk, and pulls one out to hand over. “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. And I’m going to try harder to be here for you, okay?”

 

“Thanks,” Donghyuck mumbles, blowing his nose loudly. He feels kind of dizzy, and his nose is running like crazy.

 

“I want to say one thing more thing,” Doyoung says, after some hesitation. “I don’t like how Mark has been treating this situation.”

 

Immediately, Donghyuck’s heart drops. He looks down at his lap. Of course everyone knows. “My feelings are my responsibility,” he deadpans, because he’s told this to himself so many times he’s lost count.

 

“Mark’s actions are _his_ responsibility,” Doyoung counters firmly. “You didn’t do anything wrong. No one thinks badly of you for it.”

 

Donghyuck smiles bitterly. “Everyone falls in love with Mark eventually, right?”

 

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

 

That makes Donghyuck sigh, dejected. “I’ll get over it eventually.”

 

“You do whatever you need to do. But it’s not your fault that he’s avoiding you. I think you and I both know he’s not trying to deliberately hurt you.”

 

“But he is.”

 

Doyoung squeezes Donghyuck’s hand in an attempt to comfort him, but it just makes Donghyuck feel like even more of a pity case. “He is. And that’s on him. You two are friends, and friends don’t treat each other that way.”

 

“I don’t… think we’re friends anymore,” Donghyuck admits. Maybe they are, and his words are just a result of his paranoia and insecurity and inability to trust his own perceptions. But right now, it feels like Mark wants absolutely nothing to do with him.

 

“Then make new friends.”

 

Those are the words that echo in Donghyuck’s head, almost an hour after Doyoung left the room to rehearse with Taeil and Jaehyun. At this point, there are no more tears, and his eyes probably aren’t super red.

 

He slips out of the room quietly, hoping no one is around to ask him where he’s going. (Somewhere in the back of his mind, he wonders if anyone would care enough to ask.)

 

There’s no one in the living room when he walks through, and he puts his shoes on quickly before slipping out. He takes out his phone, trying to untangle his headphones while making a playlist, that he doesn’t notice the body right in front of him until he jerks to a stop.

  
  


Donghyuck looks up, and it’s Yukhei. “Shit, sorry,” he says, trying to step to the side, but Yukhei steps in the same direction at the same time. When Donghyuck takes a step in the opposite direction, Yukhei does the same. They do this for a few seconds, until Donghyuck looks up, and realizes Yukhei is doing this on purpose. He’s got his hand in his pocket, smirking and stepping in front of Donghyuck whenever he moves.

 

“Dude,” Donghyuck says.

 

Yukhei raises his eyebrows in innocence. “Dude?”

 

“ _Hyung,”_ Donghyuck bites. “What are you doing?”

 

Yukhei shrugs. “I was just walking down the hall and some really rude guy kept getting in my way,” he says earnestly. Donghyuck shoots him a blank look.

 

“Very funny. You’re super hilarious.”

 

“I know,” Yukhei says. Donghyuck rolls his eyes, and steps to the left, but Yukhei just blocks him again.

 

“ _Dude,_ ” Donghyuck hisses. “Let me go.”

 

Yukhei pretends to think for a moment. “See, I would. But Kun-ge is making dinner and I bought _way_ too much meat for the three of us to eat. We need another victim, and you’re the chosen one.”

 

Donghyuck gapes at Yukhei for a moment, then notices the grocery bag hanging from one hand.

 

_“Make new friends.”_

 

Doyoung’s words repeat themselves in his head. Yukhei is nice. He’d managed to make Donghyuck laugh that one time during practice. What could it hurt? “What kind of meat are we talking about here?”

 

Yukhei beams at him, and his pearly white teeth flash under the bright hallway lights. “I’m really glad you asked.” Before Donghyuck can even gain his bearings, Yukhei is grabbing him by the wrist and tugging him towards the direction of the SMRookies dorm.

 

“Kun-ge makes these awesome braised chicken drumsticks and he uses coca cola in them! Isn’t that wild?”

 

Donghyuck’s face twists. “That sounds disgusting.”

 

“I know it does, but just trust me on this, they’re the best. He only makes them on special occasions.”

 

“What’s the special occasion?” Donghyuck asks, watching Yukhei dig through his pocket for his key.

 

Yukhei beams at him. “You didn’t hear? Jungwoo hyung and I are gonna debut!”

 

Donghyuck’s body goes tense. “What?” Why hadn’t he heard about this? Was he not supposed to know? (Because he wasn’t going to be included?)

 

Yukhei nods, opening the door. “Yeah, we just found out today. It’s gonna be so cool!”

 

“Yeah,” Donghyuck says weakly, heart hammering in his chest. Furiously, he tries to dispel the downward trajectory of his thoughts, because Yukhei and Jungwoo are _finally_ debuting, after being around almost as long as Donghyuck himself. This is their moment, and Donghyuck is going to be happy for them.

 

“Yukhei, did you get the chicken?” Kun calls out from the kitchen. This dorm is a lot smaller than the 127 one, but considering there are only three people living here, it seems cozy rather than crowded. Donghyuck trades his shoes for the Pikachu house slippers Yukhei offers him, and trails after him into the kitchen.

 

“Yup, it’s all here,” Yukhei proclaims proudly, putting the bag onto the counter.

 

“You punk, this is too much,” Kun says, digging through the bag and pulling out tray after tray of chicken. Yukhei smiles sheepishly, before stepping aside. Kun blinks in surprise upon seeing Donghyuck, but it quickly morphs into a warm smile. “Oh, Donghyuck, will you be joining us for dinner?”

 

“Ah… yes.” Donghyuck doesn’t know Kun that well. He was closer with Sicheng predebut, and didn’t talk much with the Korean trainees because he didn’t feel comfortable with the language. Now, though, Kun seems to speak with ease, and Donghyuck is happy for him. But he still doesn’t know him that well, so instead of making a joke, he shoots for politeness. “I hope that’s okay?”

 

Kun smiles, and for a moment, Donghyuck sees a bit of Yukhei’s sweetness in it. “Of course it’s okay. We could never finish this by ourselves anyway.”

 

Right then, Jungwoo walks into the kitchen, yawning widely. His hair is unkempt, like he just rolled out of bed from a nap. He stops in his tracks when he notices Donghyuck, who waves awkwardly. Jungwoo shoots Yukhei an unreadable look, before walking up to the kitchen counter.

 

“What’s up, Donghyuck?”

 

Donghyuck shrugs, feeling out of his element. “Nothing much. I kinda got dragged here by this guy,” he explains, sticking his thumb in Yukhei’s direction.

 

Jungwoo looks at Yukhei again. “I can see that. Well, glad to have you with us. Hyung is making braised chicken drumsticks.”

  


\--

  


“ _Uuugh,_ ” Jungwoo groans from where he’s splayed out on the couch. “I’m never eating chicken again.” Yukhei and Donghyuck flash each other smiles while they finish washing the dishes.

 

(“Maknae privileges,” Yukhei had remarked dryly, tossing Donghyuck a pair of rubber gloves.)

 

“Hey,” Yukhei says softly, bumping his hip against Donghyuck’s. “When we’re done, wanna go get ice cream?”

 

Donghyuck washes the soap off the last dish and hands it to Yukhei to dry, arching an eyebrow. “Ice cream this late? It’s cold.”

 

“Come on, it’ll be fun!” Yukhei pouts, and it’s a really ridiculous sight to behold. He even stomps his feet a little. Donghyuck doesn’t know how to deal with this.

 

“Sure, fine,” he grumbles, though the prospect of ice cream after a delicious dinner is not exactly inconvenient. He peels off his gloves and fiddles with his phone until Yukhei is done putting everything away in its proper place. There are no missed calls or messages. No one had wondered where he was.

 

He tries not to let it bother him. Donghyuck is not in the business of self-pity like this, and so he won’t let it affect his good mood. It had been so refreshing to have dinner with Yukhei, Jungwoo, and Kun. Donghyuck didn’t feel drowned out or intimidated. At first it was a little awkward, not knowing how to act, until Jungwoo put Yukhei into a headlock and chaos had ensued.

 

Donghyuck hasn’t laughed this much in a while, and he’s thankful to Yukhei for somehow showing up at the right time, yet again.

 

“Done! Let’s go.”

 

Yukhei takes his hand for the second time tonight, and Donghyuck can’t help but feel pleased with the casual skinship. He’s a clingy person, but these days it seems like no one wants to entertain that. Yukhei’s immediate physical comfort around him makes Donghyuck feel better.

 

They hold hands all the way down to the lobby of their apartment complex, and across the street to the empty convenience store.

 

“It’s too cold for ice cream,” Donghyuck whines, and Yukhei just grins at him.

 

“Ice cream is perfect for every kind of weather. Don’t be a weenie.”

 

“I’m not a weenie,” Donghyuck grumbles, pulling his hat lower over his eyes, just in case.

 

In the end, Yukhei buys them a Melona bar each, and they sit in the abandoned stairwell of their dorm building. It’s cold in there, and it makes Donghyuck shiver like crazy as he eats his ice cream, but he doesn’t really mind that much. Yukhei radiates warmth, and Donghyuck finds himself laughing too hard to feel the cold.

 

They talk about stupid, mundane things, like the hole Yukhei found in his favorite pair of pants yesterday, right on the butt, and the cleanser Donghyuck recently started using that’s making him break out on his forehead.

 

“Or maybe it’s all the junk food?” Yukhei says cheekily. Donghyuck shoves him until he falls off his step.

 

When Kun calls Yukhei, reminding him about curfew, they share a look of mutual disappointment, and toss their popsicle sticks in the trash before hurrying back to their floor.

 

“Hey, don’t be a stranger, okay? My dorm’s always open, if you want,” Yukhei says, after wrangling Donghyuck’s phone from his grip and inputting his number and sending a slew of lion emojis.

 

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks hyung.”

 

And before Donghyuck can really register it, Yukhei is pulling him into an almost bone-crushing hug. At first, he doesn’t know how to respond, face smashed into the fabric of Yukhei’s hoodie. (Distantly, he registers how warm Yukhei is, and how nice he smells. Does he wear cologne?)

 

Yukhei pulls away and shoots Donghyuck another bright grin, before bounding for his door. Donghyuck waits until Yukhei’s door closes with a click before opening his own. It seems like almost everyone is back, because there’s a lot more noise.

 

Taeyong comes up to him while he’s toeing off his shoes. “Where were you tonight, Donghyuck-ah?” he asks, clearly trying not to sound like the mother hen everyone knows he is.

 

Donghyuck straightens up, slipping into his familiar house slippers, before shrugging. “Kun hyung was cooking chicken so I had dinner with him and the other trainees,” Donghyuck says, because he wants to keep his tentative friendship with Yukhei close to the vest for now. Tonight was precious.

 

Taeyong is clearly puzzled, but smiles kindly at him. “Was the food good?”

 

“The best.” Donghyuck grins. “Better than yours, hyung.”

 

“Hey!” Taeyong cries, swatting Donghyuck’s behind. Donghyuck laughs, trying to dodge the attack, before making a beeline for the hallway. He almost runs into Mark on the way, and he stops in his tracks, the smile on his face dropping.

 

“Where were you tonight?” Mark asks, though he doesn’t sound nearly as kind as Taeyong. There’s a frown forming, and Donghyuck wants to say something out loud about being surprised Mark even noticed. But something holds him back.

 

“Just went out for dinner.”

 

“With who?” Mark’s eyebrows pull together.

 

“I have other friends besides you, hyung,” Donghyuck can’t resist saying, before side-stepping and ducking into the bathroom. He locks the door and braces himself against it-- not that he thinks Mark will follow.

 

A headache is brewing behind his eyelids, and the anxiety is swirling in his gut again. But he forces himself to shake it off. He’d had a nice night, and he’d had fun. He’s not going to let anything ruin it.

 

Plus, it had put a lot of things in perspective. Kun, despite his talent and hard work, still hadn’t debuted yet. If Donghyuck had to name someone who had gotten the real short end of the stick, it was him. Kun is definitely stronger than Donghyuck, keeping a bright smile on his face and seeming genuinely happy that Yukhei and Jungwoo are debuting. Maybe Donghyuck should take a page out of his book.

 

He thinks of Jaemin and Ten hyung, and their injuries. How much had they missed out on because of something they couldn’t control?

 

Turning on the faucet, Donghyuck splashes warm water on his face. He can’t just give up like this. It’s not his style to be this pathetic. He’s going to appreciate what he’s been given, and try to be happy. No one else can do that for him.

  


\--

  


Donghyuck is so excited.

 

He can feel the pent-up energy under his skin, but he’s sitting at the back of the practice room, on his phone, leg shaking, as he waits for the other members to arrive.

 

Black on Black, with every member of NCT and SMRookies. It’s totally unprecedented, and it’s going to be _huge._ And Donghyuck can’t wait to be a part of it. He can’t wait to be a part of something so much bigger than himself, and contribute even a little bit.

 

“ _Heyyyyyy,_ ” Donghyuck looks up in surprise as Yukhei slides down the row of seating until he crashes into Donghyuck.

 

“Hyung, what the hell,” Donghyuck snickers, waiting as Yukhei straightens himself up.

 

He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. “Aye baby, you come here alone tonight?”

 

The sheer absurdity of that statement makes Donghyuck laugh in the ugliest way possible, and he slaps a hand over his mouth when his voice echoes through the room. Taeyong gives him an odd look before turning back to his conversation with Ten. Mark is sort of glaring at him, but that’s nothing new.

 

Anyways, he’s not thinking about Mark. He hasn’t really paid much attention for a while now, not when he’s been spending all of his free time practicing, getting better, and hanging out with Yukhei. It’s so incredibly refreshing to be around someone who is so genuinely positive, and it’s a much-needed break from Donghyuck’s intrusive thoughts.

 

They end up chatting until everyone is here, and then it’s all business. Donghyuck finds himself secretly glad that Yukhei is close to him in a lot of the formations. It means Yukhei drapes himself over Donghyuck, complaining about being tired and out of breath, but not tired enough not to laugh too loud and make funny faces in the mirror.

 

Donghyuck thought he might be envious, suddenly having to share Yukhei with the other members now. Before, it was just the two of them, sitting on the roof, eating honey butter chips and talking. But now, everyone can see how amazing and wonderful Yukhei is, and Donghyuck spent a lot of time last night wondering if Yukhei is going to drop Donghyuck like everyone else seems to do, because there’s someone better, more fun to hang out with.

 

His fears are unfounded.

 

Yes, Yukhei is hyperactive and talks to everyone and jokes loudly. But during water breaks he sits with Donghyuck, flashes quick grins before they rerun a set, and forms the habit of picking Donghyuck up and tossing him over his shoulder when he’s particularly proud of himself for getting a step sequence right.

 

Donghyuck complains loudly and laughs even louder, enjoying the attention and the puzzled looks of amusement from his hyungs.

 

“I’m glad you’re making Yukhei feel more welcome,” Taeyong tells him later. Donghyuck doesn’t say that maybe it’s actually the other way around.

 

“So, you and Yukhei are close now?” Renjun asks him at night.

 

“We’re friends,” Donghyuck says honestly, because of all the members his age, Renjun is probably the wisest.

 

Renjun raises one perfectly arched eyebrow at him. “He’s totally into you, you know that, right?”

 

Donghyuck doesn’t know what to say about that. “He flirts with everybody.”

 

“It’s not just flirting though. He gives you that _look,_ ” Renjun gesticulates. When Donghyuck shakes his head, not understanding, he sighs in frustration. “The _look,_ you know. Like hearts are shooting out of his eyes or something? That look.”

 

And Donghyuck doesn’t have a clever comeback, he’s not prepared to be told to his face what he’s kind of been suspecting for weeks. But deep down inside, he wonders what someone like _Yukhei_ sees in someone like _him._ It’s still bizarre that they’re even friends, that Yukhei wants to push the limits of their manager’s patience every couple nights and keep Donghyuck out until curfew, wants to sit with him and talk with him and somehow has not gotten bored or annoyed already.

 

“Clearly you haven’t thought this through.” In these moments, Renjun looks so much like Doyoung, with his quiet, stern disapproval. “It’s good you’re making a friend, but don’t lead him on, okay? Neither of you deserve that.”

  


\--

  


“How long have you been in love with Mark?” Yukhei asks, the very next night. They’ve traded out their Melona for hot chocolate, which quickly cools in the sharp winter nights of Seoul.

 

The question takes Donghyuck by surprise, because they’ve never really broached this particular subject before. He’s been thinking about this all day, ironically enough, about how he feels about Mark, how he feels about Yukhei, and what he wants to do.

 

When Donghyuck turns to face him, Yukhei looks oddly… vulnerable. In the time Donghyuck has known him, Yukhei has always been larger than life, magnified by his height and stature and deep voice. Right now, though, he looks vulnerable and small, with his nose tipped red from the cold, shoulders hunched.

 

When Donghyuck doesn’t talk for a minute, Yukhei scrambles to fill up the awkward tension. “Sorry, that was like. Way out of line. You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.” He reaches down for the backpack he’d carried with him tonight, and pulls out a small wrapped package.

 

“What’s this?” Donghyuck’s voice is tight and small as he takes it carefully.

 

“Open it,” Yukhei urges. “It’s from my mom.”

 

Donghyuck pauses as he carefully picks the tape away from the wrapping paper. “Your mom?”

 

Yukhei nods. “I was talking to her a while ago, and she sends me packages, you know? From Hong Kong.” Finally, Donghyuck works open the wrapping, and pulls out a beautiful journal, with a glossy black cover. “She says whenever she has too many thoughts and feels kinda sad, she writes in a diary sort of thing. It helps her keep track of what’s on her mind. Or at least that’s what she told me. I asked if she could send one for you too.”

 

Donghyuck brushes the cover tenderly with his fingertips, his chest feeling tight, but in a completely different way than he’s used to. “Hyung… this is…”

 

“I mean, you don’t have to use it. I know this kind of stuff doesn’t work for everyone, but like…” Yukhei scratches his head, sheepish. “Yeah.”

 

Tears burn at the back of Donghyuck’s eyes, and before he can give himself time to hesitate, he launches himself at Yukhei, falling ungracefully into his lap to hug him. “This is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me,” he says honestly, voice muffled into the material of Yukhei’s sweater.

 

“Oh… uh. Yeah. Uhm.” Yukhei’s hands wrap hesitantly around Donghyuck’s waist. Donghyuck thinks Yukhei is kind of fucking stupid to go all awkward and surprised now, of all the times, but he doesn’t care, because his body feels warm from head to toe.

 

Donghyuck pulls away to look at Yukhei, and it’s nearly impossible to look away from Yukhei’s big, dark eyes. “Thank you, hyung, seriously.”

 

Yukhei’s smile is big and goofy. “That’ll be ten monopoly dollars, please.”

 

“I’ll Venmo you later.”

 

And then it’s quiet, and the miniscule amount of space between them is filled with that tension Donghyuck has been feeling for since he started hanging out with Yukhei-- it’s warm and not entirely unwelcome.

 

“I’m… not in love with Mark hyung,” Donghyuck says, quietly, honestly. “I used to be, but I’m not anymore.”

 

“Really?” Yukhei’s voice is soft again, the fog of his breath curling like smoke between them.  

 

“It still kinda hurts sometimes but… I’m not hung up over him. I’m not… I’m not in love with Mark.” Saying it out loud is incredibly cathartic. It makes him feel like the last residual bits of bitterness and longing are completely flushed out of his system.

 

It’s not Yukhei that did it. They both probably know that, and it wouldn’t be fair to either of them if Donghyuck was just replacing one with the other. Donghyuck has been falling out of love for a while now, ever since Mark had quietly rejected him without saying a word.

 

“Okay,” Yukhei says stupidly. Donghyuck just grins. At this point, they don’t really need words to communicate. And neither of them are ready, either. So they fill the silence with their laughter, and Donghyuck stays in Yukhei’s arms until Doyoung texts Donghyuck to _get off the damn roof before you both get sick._

  


\--

  


Yukhei is flying out to Ukraine in the morning. So they sit in Donghyuck’s room, on the floor, knees touching, and Yukhei keeps brushing his fingers over Donghyuck’s hands.

 

They’re alone for an undetermined amount of time, because Doyoung had left the room with a stern look and an excuse that he was going to go tell Jaehyun what to pack, and he’ll be back later, so no funny business.

 

“Any tips from the pro?” Yukhei asks, after revealing quietly that he’s so nervous he couldn’t sleep properly all week.

 

Donghyuck scoffs, shoving Yukhei’s shoulder. “Just don’t fuck up, hyung.”

 

“That’s really helpful, thanks.”

 

Yukhei’s flat voice and the darkness under his eyes makes Donghyuck pause and rethink his answer. “Just… don’t think too much. You’ve been practicing like crazy, and you’re more likely to mess up if you overthink things.” Donghyuck is a constant victim of forgetting choreography he knows by heart, simply because he’s thinking too much about the next step, the next moment.

 

Yukhei nods seriously. “It never really… gets any less nerve-wracking,” Donghyuck adds. “Every new video and comeback, it’s that same anxiety, you know? What if I don’t do well? What if people don’t like the song? It’s always the same no matter how long you do it for.” He reaches forward and takes Yukhei’s hands between his, because Yukhei has been skirting around this all night, and Donghyuck just wants to hold his hand, dammit.

 

Yukhei’s hands are massive and warm and soft, allegedly due to the special cream his mom sends him. Donghyuck’s fingers are dwarfed, but he likes it. He likes that Yukhei is bigger. It makes him feel safe and strong, like he has an immovable brick wall to protect him from the things that hurt.

 

“You’re going to do amazing. I heard the song, you killed that rap,” Donghyuck says. Yukhei smiles wryly.

 

“Can I get that on tape, please?”

 

“You’ll only hear it from me once.” But really, Donghyuck will say it again and again, as many times as Yukhei needs, if it’ll make him feel better. “I’ll miss you a lot,” he tacks on, voice quiet.

 

“Of course you will, I’m _awesome,_ ” Yukhei insists.

 

“I give you _one_ compliment, and your ego’s the size of the Titanic. This is why we can’t have nice things.”

 

“I’ll miss you too, Hyuck. Really.” Yukhei slips his hands out from between Donghyuck’s so he can tangle their fingers together. “How am I supposed to stay warm if you’re not there to cuddle me?”

 

“Stupid,” Donghyuck scoffs, but his face is burning. He won’t admit how much he likes this-- Yukhei’s easy, genuine affection, the comfort of being in his presence.

 

“Wait--” Yukhei says, pulling his hands away, and tugging the hoodie he’s currently wearing off. “You can have this while I’m gone.”

 

Yukhei holds the sweater out to Donghyuck, who takes it gingerly. The smell of nice cologne is interwoven into the fabric, and Yukhei’s body heat radiates out, into Donghyuck’s hands. “If you give this to me now, you’re never getting it back,” Donghyuck says honestly. The idea of drowning in Yukhei’s clothes and scent is so fucking appealing that it makes his toes curl.

 

“If you take it then you have to wear it all the time,” Yukhei shoots back easily, smirking. Donghyuck presses the fabric to his nose and hides his giddy grin.

 

“Promise.”

  


\--

  


Later that night, after Yukhei had gone back to his own dorm to finish packing, Donghyuck pulls on the sweater, heavy and warm over his shoulders, and sits at the kitchen counter to write in his journal. Yukhei’s mom was right-- having a place to keep his thoughts besides in the swirling abyss of his mind really helps. And it helps to be able to go back and read and figure out whether what he thought at the time was the truth or a concoction of his anxiety-addled brain.

 

Then, Mark walks in. He spares Donghyuck a glance as he’s about to put his plate in the sink, then does a double take.

 

“Is that one of Johnny hyung’s sweaters?” he asks, still as a statue.

 

Donghyuck looks down at the grey hoodie. “No, it’s Yukhei hyung’s.”

 

He puts his pen back on the page, trying to pick up on where he left off before Mark interrupted, but he doesn’t get to restart.

 

“Yukhei gave you his hoodie?”

 

“Well… he’s kind of my boyfriend, so…”

 

Both of them flinch when the plate Mark was holding slips from his grip and shatters on the floor. “Fuck,” Mark hisses, bending down to grab the pieces. Donghyuck closes his journal and goes to grab the broom.

 

“Careful,” Donghyuck mutters, sweeping up the small shards Mark couldn’t grab without nicking himself.

 

“You’re dating Yukhei?” Mark asks, not really helping clean up, just squatting there and staring at Donghyuck.

 

“Is that a problem, hyung?”

 

In the back of his mind, he realizes this is probably the longest conversation they’ve had in a while, but it doesn’t really stir up any bitterness in him anymore. He’s starting to accept the idea of change, that the promises teenagers make can be easily broken, and people move on and move forward, and Donghyuck doesn’t have to get left behind.

 

Mark flushes, ducking his head. “No, I just… I just thought.”

 

Donghyuck narrows his eyes. “Thought what, hyung?” Both of them know what he’s talking about, but he’s going to give Mark the benefit of the doubt, and not assume Mark is implying what Donghyuck _thinks_ he’s implying.

 

“Just… that was… quick, I guess.”

 

Well, never mind.

 

“Yeah, you’d be surprised how that can happen. When, you know, a person cares about you and makes you feel loved and appreciated.” Donghyuck’s voice is carefully neutral and low, but Mark still flinches back like Donghyuck slapped him.

 

Donghyuck straightens up, taking the dustpan and dumping the shards into the trash. After Mark leaves, Donghyuck will probably have to go back and vacuum the area for leftover pieces of ceramic, but for now, this will do.

 

“He’s a chill... dude,” Mark says, voice tense, not really looking at Donghyuck, who slides back into his seat.

 

“He’s the best,” Donghyuck corrects, meaning it with every bone in his body. Mark grimaces, but nods.

 

“I’m uh… happy for you.”

 

“I’m happy for me too.”

 

Maybe in another universe, Donghyuck and Mark are meant to be. In another universe, Mark isn’t single-handedly taking over the kpop industry, and Donghyuck isn’t his pining best friend who will never quite measure up. Mark isn’t so bad at feelings, and isn’t so busy he can’t handle them.

 

This is not that universe.

 

In this universe, Donghyuck is learning to love himself and not seek the validation of people who can’t be there for him. In this universe, Donghyuck is trying to become the best person he can be, with or without Mark Lee, and he knows everything is going to be okay.

 

“Have a safe flight,” Donghyuck says, when Mark turns away to head out of the kitchen.

 

“Thanks,” Mark mumbles. If he notices Mark’s shoulders slumping, he doesn’t let it phase him.

  


\--

  


“So… uh…” Johnny murmurs to Donghyuck at ISAC while is finishing up shooting. Donghyuck raises an expectant eyebrow at Johnny, and by the way he fidgets, Donghyuck can tell he’s about to give him some sort of concerned-father lecture. “You and Yukhei, huh?”

 

Donghyuck blinks at him. “Yeah. You noticed?”

 

Johnny shoots him an incredulous look. “You’re our maknae, of course we notice.” Maybe a month ago, Donghyuck would have said something scathing and bitter about finally being acknowledged in his position in the group, but today, he just feels warmed by the fact that someone’s been keeping an eye on him. Maybe Doyoung tattled. It doesn’t matter.

 

“Does Mark know about this?” Johnny asks, fiddling with the zip of his jacket.

 

“Yeah,” Donghyuck says.

 

“How does he feel about it?”

 

Donghyuck looks at Johnny carefully. He knows Johnny is close with Mark, and the odds of Mark spilling his thoughts and feelings to him are pretty high. There’s something in his eyes that tell Donghyuck there’s something more to the whole situation, something he doesn’t know, but for once, he finds that he doesn’t really care. “Does it matter?”

 

Johnny’s smile is apologetic. “No, I guess not.”

 

Donghyuck gets out of his seat when his name is called, carefully picking up his bow. Johnny tugs at the hem of his jacket to get his attention. “We all really love you, you know that right? You’re important too.”

 

“I’m starting to figure that out,” Donghyuck replies honestly. Both Johnny and Yuta have been really clingy with him today, and he'd be lying if he wasn't grateful for it. Yuta fist-bumps him as they switch spots, wishing him good luck.

 

Donghyuck is the youngest archer in the event today, and he’d be lying if he wasn’t nervous. But he’s been practicing and practicing, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t give his best. He carefully steps into position and draws the bow back, positioning it just so.

 

When he’s given the signal, he takes a deep breath, steadies himself, and releases the arrow.

 

He hits the bullseye.

  


\--

  


(When Yukhei gets back from Ukraine, Donghyuck is waiting for him, along with everyone else, to greet them. Yukhei looks exhausted and cold, but he’s wearing the hat Donghyuck gave him for good luck, and his smile could rival the sun.

 

“Donghyuck!” he bellows, charging at Donghyuck, and tosses him over his shoulder.

 

“Let me go!” Donghyuck screeches, smacking Yukhei’s back with his hands, but both of them know he’s not really complaining. Yukhei makes it all the way inside his dorm room before setting Donghyuck down on his feet. He barely gets a chance to regain his bearings before he’s being shoved against the door.

 

“What the hell are you--”

 

Yukhei smacks his hands on either side of Donghyuck’s head, looming over him with an almost predatory grin. “I missed you, Donghyuck.”

 

“Hello to you too, hyung,” Donghyuck drawls, trying to cover up the fact that his heart is hammering against his ribcage. Yukhei smells like stale airplane air and snow and home.

 

“I’m going to kiss you, okay?”

 

Donghyuck curls his fingers into Yukhei’s jacket. “What? Why?”

 

Yukhei tilts his head. “Am I not allowed to?”

 

“No, I mean-- I just--” Donghyuck clears his throat, and he has no doubt his cheeks are absolutely scarlet. “What if I’m not good at it?”

 

“Why, have you never kissed anyone before?” There’s no trace of judgement in Yukhei’s eyes. Distantly, he remembers when Yukhei was announced as an official SMRookie and he and Renjun had discussed, at great length, the odds of Wong Yukhei definitely probably not being a virgin.

 

“I mean--” Donghyuck winces, thinking back to when he’d kissed a girl on the playground in the third grade, and the one time he thought it would be a really good idea to make out with Jeno when they were trainees. “I _have,_ but like-- They don’t count.”

 

Yukhei’s grin is big and toothy. “Then we’ll just have to practice a lot, huh?”

 

Donghyuck’s toes curl in anticipation. “Yeah, I guess.”

 

“You know that means we have to kiss now, right?”

 

Forcing his anxiety away, Donghyuck tugs at Yukhei’s jacket. “Then _kiss_ me.”

 

Yukhei takes a deep breath, rolling back his shoulders like he’s stretching for a marathon. “Okay, here it comes.” Yukhei presses closer, tilting his head down a little. “I’m gonna do it. I’m really gonna do it.”

 

“Then just _do_ it already,” Donghyuck whines, trying not to laugh.

 

“Prepare yourself, Lee Donghyuck. I’m really gonna kiss you. Right no--”

 

Donghyuck has to reach up all the way on his tiptoes to crash their mouths together, and it’s ridiculously uncomfortable, until Yukhei regains his bearings and leans down. His lips are chapped and cold, but Donghyuck likes the way their noses brush, the way Yukhei leans into him so that every part of their bodies are pressed together.

 

Donghyuck’s body tenses, then relaxes completely, and he realizes, suddenly, that this is the most genuinely happy he’s been in a long time.

 

They keep their mouths pressed together for as long as they can hold this position, and then Donghyuck sets himself back down on his feet, and Yukhei pulls away to rub his neck, wincing. “That was pretty nice,” Yukhei says, with his trademark smirk in place.

 

“A solid six out of ten,” Donghyuck replies, eyelids heavy, body warm, totally breathless.

 

“Wow, only a six? Guess I’m gonna have to try that again.”

 

“You’re welcome to try.”

 

And Yukhei does. Again and again, until their lips are sore and swollen, and Jungwoo’s yelling through the other side of the door to be let in. They pull away, love-drunk, and don’t leave each other’s side for the rest of the day.

 

He sneaks into Yukhei’s bed at night, and Yukhei lets him be the big spoon, and they just stay like that, with Donghyuck plastered to his back, his leg thrown over Yukhei’s waist.

 

Donghyuck sleeps. And when he wakes up, he really feels like everything is going to be just fine.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> please dont come at me for this oeiuhkgaklsjdg  
> 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/hyuckheis) || [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/hyuckheis) || [tumblr ](https://hvuckheis.tumblr.com/)


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